I'm only writting because I feel like shit. I just keep hitting so many walls and I know it's all my fault somehow, for letting things get to this stage. I end up in the same place, yet somehow, in the last 2 weeks have managed to make myself feel worse, because now it's not just confusion and disinterest, it's unstable relationships with everyone around me.
I just feel really confused, I can't tell what I should be feeling, what is the right way to do things. Am I justified in feeling so empty and alone when I'm the one shutting down parts of myself, and turning away from people. I do it for so many reasons, because I don't want to hurt them, because I don't want to anger them, because I don't want to feel their judgement. I guess I just need to change, change into the person I'm not afraid to share with them.
At this point it just feels easier to isolate myself from everyone than deal with my issues with each person. I feel like I can't be all of me with anyone and it eats me up inside. Maybe my mistake is believing that I should be able to do that.
I know I am supposed to be stronger than this, that a lot of the problems start because I let people say and do what they want wether I want it or not, I don't want to cause trouble, I give in because it's easier than fighting, but that's wearing me away now. I guess the problem lies in that I feel like there is no solution sometimes, that comprise just isn't what either party wants, I explain my case and it changes nothing. But in the past, I've been so scared of being alone that I would put up with anything to ensure that it doesn't happen. It makes me question wether or not I need any of this, need anyone, I've proven to myself I can do it alone. It's no fun either, but it's been better than this.
I am a coward.
So one day I was hanging out with Kurt and we realised that there are some pretty wacky sayings in the spanish language.
Each Spanish speaking country has their own sayings, metaphors and similies but these are a few that I have collected over the last year or so.
Every time I hear my mum or grandma say a new one I text Kurt XD It has become somewhat of a little tradition for me now =]
Saying: La negrita astuta vende fruta.
Direct Translation: The (Astute, cunning, sly, crafty, fraudulent) cute/little black girl sells fruit.
Meaning: This saying is said as a sort of warning that you are/someone else is a cocktease
Saying: No calientes el agua (si no vas a tomar té)
Direct Translation: Don't heat the water if you're not going to drink tea
Meaning: This is also a sort of warning to someone who is being a cocktease. Kind of like, don't flirt and lead someone on if you have no intention of hooking up with them. It is also a play on words because in Spanish (Chilean at least) the word calentar (to heat) is also used informally as a way to say 'make horny'. So 'estoy caliente' = I'm hot BUT it means I'm horny. If you wanted to say I'm hot (because of the weather) you would say 'tengo calor'
Tongue Twister: Tres tristes tigres trigo trillaron tranquilos tragaron
Translation: Three sad tigers, wheat they threshed (To separate the grain from the straw or husks by mechanical beating), calmly they swallowed.
Tongue Twister:Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira pobre pintor portugués pinta paisajes por poca plata para pasar por París
Translation: Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira poor Portugese painter paints landscapes for little money to pass through Paris.
Saying:Buscarle la quinta pata al gato
Direct Translation:To look for the 5th leg of the cat
Meaning: Looking for problems when there clearly aren't any in that situation, so you're over thinking it and overcomplicating yourself.
Saying: Para ser bella hay que ver estrellas
Direct Translation: To be beautiful you have to see stars
Meaning: I'm guessing this is a fairly old saying because my grandad said it to me once, I kind of fell in love with this little rhyme/mantra. It means that no pain is too great to endure in order to look your best, this particularly refers to women having to wear painful shoes (stilettos) because it makes their legs look hot, wearing tight clothing to show off curves, waxing, plucking, dying hair, and I suppose nowadays you could extend that into getting cosmetic surgery. Just to clarify, my grandad wasn't a dick, I remember the saying coming up because we were watching a show with really attractive women and I was in awe of them and he explained that constructed superficial beauty comes at a price =) Oh and if you don't get the imagery, it's based on seeing "stars" when you hit your head/get dizzy, like if you've ever seen the cartoon representation of stars around the head when they get hit.
*To be continued